Well, I don't want to appear up-and-down-ish but need some help.
I am by no means ungrateful for where I am, what I am doing, how blessed I am to know God and love living life. Today I couldn't stop thinking about how much time over the last 12 months I have spent away from my friends and family. Too much..
I found out today my Nana has just had her second stroke for the last 2 weeks. It sucks. I am praying for her (and Luke is praying as well). I was a little worried before I left home and so I spoke to her about God and she told me that Jesus is her Lord. So I'm not worried where she's going. I just don't believe that this is the way that she is supposed to go. She's got so much life in her still, I know it. I refuse to believe that God calls anyone to die in pain just because they are old. I am going to have a long life, with full health as I believe that is my Godly right. It just sucks being away when she's in hospital and wants people to stay with her while she's there. It's simple, I could do that. I don't have anything to do here at night except go for my walk, catch up on prayer time and potter around doing whatever needs doing. I feel as though I have so much time that I could be giving to her, but it's impossible to do from here. What is the right thing to do? Should I go home for a while and spend time with her? Should I stay here and just pray? I don't know. Either way, I would never want to live in regret for a decision I've made. Mandy has said that too and I know that they would free me to go if I felt I needed to, gosh they're good to me.
- tried to put a photo of Nan in here but Blogger's having a few probs -
Family and friends are important. I've always said that. Being away, in India and this time, has made me realise how important it is to be reliant on God. Not just when you have to rely on Him for physical needs such as health, but also when you have all your needs met. It's an always thing.. not just when you have no other choice. He seems to have a knack of putting me in those situations and then I realise, but I've been realising more and more how reliant I am becoming on Him. For everything. I know my family will always be around, but I have no clue if I'll have a friend-base when I get home. I have gorgeous friends, a lot of whom are abroad right now, but being away can certainly loosen the ties. Am I getting cut away forever? What is God's plan? I don't want to be away forever.. Perth has been my home since I was 8 and almost everything I know is there. I don't want to close myself off to the only real support base I have. But will I ever have a base again in Perth? Is this time of being independent setting me up for a life of singlehood?
(argh, I know how annoyingly girly that sounds.. since I scored high for "celibacy" on a spiritual gifts test when I was 17 I have always been afraid that I would end up one of those women who goes on the missionfield alone and stays alone.. I know that I could do that and find fulfilment but I wanna get married someday dammit! I'm a corny romantic, I want to be swept off my feet, serve God with a Godly guy, have kids, grandkids, great-grankids, stay in love till I die - the whole lot).
I am kinda thinking out loud, maybe trying to skip ahead a few pages of my book. At least I know I'll always have someone with me.. maybe that's what learning to be truly reliant on Him is about.. I know I don't have to "worry" about this stuff: sometimes I just ponder.
If you have the time, please pray for my Nana. Some may think she's just another old lady, but she's a really special lady. I know it's not her time. And I'm happy to hear advice/suggestions about the other stuff :)
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8 comments:
Kel - sometimes you think too much. You know it's great to be reflective and ponder the big questions, but it's better to just take each day as it comes and not live a life of worry.
Friends will be around you wherever you are. I know you've made great friends in Perth, but you don't define yourself or your life's path by the friends you make. Friends are there to help you along the way, but they aren't tied to you forever - they come along at the right time when you need them to share your experience and for you to impact them.
Remember when you worried endlessly about returning to Perth and not being able to get a job you'd like? Look where you are now!
Same with friends, relationships, your overall life plan - just remain prayerful and God will take care of the rest. Worrying won't move you any closer to what God has in store, so be your usual positive, happy self and enjoy each day at a time!!
Hey, was that you Mum? Have been trying to figure out who it is.. I should put a ban on anonymous!
Hmm, I don't remember being that anxious about finding a job - work is easy enough to find. I was mega anxious about fitting back in, being able to transition back into the lives of those around me when mine had been put on hold, kind of (everyone else has moved along the lines of engagements, marriage, mortgages etc and I was/am nowhere near there!). Having a support base, wondering if anyone would want to hear my life-changing experience (not that the world revolves around me), not conforming to who I was before I left, bringing the things I'd learnt in such a remote, different culture into my life and still be able to co-exist with those around me.. they're more the things I was worried about. Where God would have me go next.. another one. I'd wound down so much from a busy-busy life to a more reflective, thoughtful state and I didn't want to go back and be in the western busy-busy life (which I love doing as a means to avoid things).. another thing.
I got a prophecy once about not being "normal", but being fiesty (in a good way surprisingly!), not having to conform to all the molds that people and myself have tried to push me into. I guess sometimes I get frustrated and feel "unsuccessful" because I am not progressing in the standard list of things that you should've done or started by the time you're 24.. blah blah, you're right: I think too much sometimes.
Hey sweets,
My thoughts are with you and your family in this hard time. It's always hard to let go of someone so close to you. If it's time for Nana to go, He is calling her to a better place, you know that. :o)
Just be strong and don't forget that friendship spans this earth...you have friends everywhere and I'm sure that you know you can just pick up the phone and call any of your friends...anywhere...and pick up where you left off!
God hears our prayers. So believe in Him and give Him your all because He will look after you.
What would you define as normal? There's nothing normal now days! :o)
You're just special, that's all!
*big hugs*
Hello Kel dear, I had to smile at your reference to 'fiesty'- if I remember correctly you were none too pleased with that at the time, dare I say even a little peeved? My my how things evolve :)
Hey now number one, you don't even need to go there with the 'will I have friends' thing - you're an absolute delight to everyone priveleged enough to call you their friend, and nobody is going to give that up. Wherever you are there are people praying for you and thinking about you, and physical distance is neither here nor there in the scheme of things. You're in my heart every single day and forever and I'm sure there'd be lots of people 'here-hereing'that statement. You''re one of God's special people, sent to make life better for everyone who knows you. Number two, you're only 24 and yes you're not conforming to the get married have babies supposed ideal just yet, but good. There's loads of time for that. And I can speak from experience, I freaked out about the very same thing for ages. But you get used to it :) Okay enough blather. Bisous xx
I like your honesty Kel, sometimes you just need to think things through ey, get them out in a visible way. I hope things are a bit more peaceful now.
No Kel...that was me with the original post. Mystery solved!
Love
Don
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